Monday, February 15, 2010
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
You belong in the Twilight Zone episode The Lonely, about a murderer who is exiled to another planet. His only company is a female robot, and he is heartbroken when he cannot take her with him back to earth. (From Quizilla)
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
I've been working on another knitted scarf, for a friend in AZ. It's turning out quite lovely - a fan and feather design, and only frogged once! must remember to add pics soon.
Here's some pics of another scarf I knitted for a friend, who went to MA for a biz trip. it was a fast and quick, ribbed knit.
I used Caron Simply Soft Eco yarn - .6 plastic bottles recycled per skein! :) Funny thing though, apparently, the color changes in natural lighting, i.e. the SUN! So my friend calls me from MA, and he asks me - what color did you use for my scarf? I say, gray, of course. He says, no, it's purple. no, actually it's more a lilac color! Hahahaha, yeah. I swore to him that I had no idea, it was not intentional... but funny as hell. hee.
Monday, June 16, 2008
since he passed away, i usually have a few images that run over and over again in my mind. one, is not even a real memory. i see him walking towards me near the elevators outside of my office at work. this image popped suddenly into my mind the first day i returned to work after he passed. i don't know why. he is walking to me, just as he looked when i saw him on my trip home last year in May. He couldn't walk very well then, but he walked with a kind grin on his face. his smile was always sincere.
another image I have is of him in bed at the hospital. he was in the hospital a week before he died. he laid there, looking stiff and uncomfortable. he often would open his eyes and stare out, he would begin to talk, but most of the time we thought he was actually still sleeping because he didn't make any sense with his words. we stood on the sides of his bed, massaging his legs. when i first saw my mom doing this, i was shocked and scared. i think i was scared because it seemed so affectionate, and i wasn't used to showing that much affection. but the way she rubbed his legs showed how much she actually cared for him, and all those years growing up hearing them fight, and fight, and fight - didn't seem so horrible anymore. i also saw how long she had to care for him by the way she massaged him. how long she cared for him all by herself. i was in portland and i didn't really know how much was going on. soon i was rubbing his legs - every chance i got. like i was trying to make up for not being there for him. i could rub away the pain and regret for my hiding away. i looked at his legs. i looked and took in all the old scars and the new scabs from his last fall, wondering if his condition made them not heal as fast as they would have if he were healthier. i tried to be as gentle as could as i ran my hand along his shins but hard enough to feel like i was in some way providing my dad some relief, visualizing peacefulness in every stroke.
then i thought about how that last time he was in the hospital was the hardest thing i ever experienced in my life. watching him, wondering if he even knew i was there. yet it was the most uncomfortable i've ever been in my life and i just wanted to leave. one night everyone had gone home, but me and my brother. i kept thinking, "when are going to leave?" it was past visiting hours, but no one said anything. we sat in silence and watched as my dad fell in and out of sleep. the only way we knew he was truly sleeping was when he stopped moaning. otherwise he moaned and made noises non-stop. he woke up and saw us there, and he said he was worried about us being there because it was late. i remember feeling relieved that he was telling us to go home. my brother wanted to stay all night, but i didn't and we went home.
i've always said that i never regret. i have never done anything that i've regretted. but i lied. i do regret. i regret that i didn't stay that night. why? why couldn't i stay that one night in my life to be with my dad? i would have had more time with him. how many times did he wake up to that empty dark cold hospital room? was he thirsty? did he wish he could move his legs? i wish i was there to hold his hand. i could have stayed but i was scared. i wanted to run away from that place. and i did. and i now i can never go back.
the other vision of my dad was one of the last times we had before he died. he came home from the hospital that day. the hospice nurse had setup him up at home in the bed that was delivered to the house earlier that day. by now, he was already on liquid morphine to make him as comfortable as possible. we took turns around his bed, massaging his legs and holding up his left arm which caused him a lot of pain because of the surgery he previously had to remove cancer. as i was holding his arm and hand up, he turned and looked at me, and said my name. he smiled and and i said "Hi Dad!" with a smile back. that was the first time since i came back from Portland that I felt he really saw me. In that moment, i felt his love. it was all i needed. i wanted that so much and through all his pain and he knew he was nearing death and he still managed to give. i will never forget.
He died a few hours later. Me, my brother, and great aunt had already come back to town and went to sleep. around 4:30 a.m. my mom called to tell us. she sounded calm. she asked if we wanted to come home to say goodbye before the people from the mortuary came to pick him up. we got ready and drove. it was a long silent drive. something very strange happened that night. seconds before my mom called, a sneeze woke me out of my sleep. i thought it was weird because that only happened to me maybe once before in my life. i like to think now that it was my dad reaching to me.
after i got out of the shower, i realized that father's day was six months to the day since my dad died. i don't know if six months means "wow, six months already?" or "it's only been six months?" for now, to me, it's just that an amount of time has passed and i'm still crying.
Saturday, March 18, 2006
for the most part, i'm happy to be here. but i also have days when i have to ask myself about the decision i've made and why? is my dad really okay with my choice to leave home? will he still be there when i come back? will I be 50 years old and full of regret... i feel like i've abandoned my family in a way. and i miss my friends. today is saturday and if i were back there right now i would probably be getting ready to meet the girls for lunch. i just hope that everything is right when they come to visit in july. more to come...
Friday, July 22, 2005
You are Mohair. You are a warm and fuzzy type who works well with others, doing your share without being too weighty. You can be stubborn and absolutely refuse to change your position once it is set, but that's okay since you are good at covering up your mistakes.
What kind of yarn are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Friday, July 1, 2005
I first saw them in Vega$ a few years ago. I was in heaven. We went to the tiki bar in the Venetian, then over to the lounge, i think it was called Venus lounge. They (I don't know if they still do) used to have several of Shag's artwork covering the wall in front, a huge mural, smaller pics inside, complete with Shag cocktail napkins and cocktail stirrers.
Richard Cheese and the Lounge Against the Machine took the stage and it was a total surprise for us because we weren't even there for the show. but there we were, and with no standing room only allowed, I felt pretty special to have gotten there early enough to make it in. I couldn't believe I was hearing Radiohead's Creep, with a swinging back beat and crooning vocals.
So I'm pretty excited that he decided to come back to Hawaii for another show at the Wave. let the dirty martinis flow!